Don’t believe everything you think - how Kevin can help you reframe your thinking to take more constructive action
It’s no secret that I love research. I love data and the insights it gives me around peak performance, wellbeing and culture. Opening a spreadsheet for the first time that has come from a new study we have done, seriously rotates my crops... a concerning amount. Probably the thing I love about data the most is that it is dependable, rational and reliable. Like my 13-year-old daughter who loves math says, ‘Numbers don’t lie, it’s either right or wrong’. Ahhhhhhh bask in the certainty of numbers.
But, and it’s a very big but, when you do research on humans the numbers you get can be widely inaccurate because they come from people. People are not dependable, rational, or reliable. In fact, humans are so inaccurate when we do research, we have to factor into our data collection that humans convince themselves of things that aren’t true. They interpret things inaccurately and sometimes just flat out see things that aren’t even there.
During my PhD, we were studying the impact of lifestyle changes on people’s wellbeing, happiness and quality of life. We found that everyone was inaccurate in their diet recording. They all under reported. It was so bad we had to use something called ‘doubly labelled water’ (the explanation of what this is will put you to sleep, just move on) to measure how far off they were. Also, we had to use wearables to accurately track sleep and activity levels, because they would overestimate these things.
What we learnt is you can’t trust people’s behaviour and perceptions of the world to be accurate. They think they are reporting accurately but the voices in their head lead them to behave in a different way. Actually, let me go one step further. The reality is ‘you can’t trust everything you think’.
Probably the biggest lie our brain has convinced us of is that we are rationale, sensible and logical creatures. We think we are just following what our rational and logical brain is telling us and acting accordingly.
Ever built up a story in your head and make it bigger than it was? Ever worry about something only to never have it eventuate? Ever misinterpret someone’s behaviour and blow up at them, only to realise your point of view was delusional? Our brains often take limited data then fill in the gaps and create a story that is so far off base, it’s outside the stadium. We’ve all heard the phrases, too cerebral, over-thinking, heck there’s even brain snap or brain fart when you’ve really messed it up. Our brain is often not our friend. The big question is what do we do about it?
For the past six years we have been researching how do we manage this unhelpful side of our brain. The focus of this research is to help people manage their brain to:
Be more proactive around embracing change (often we wait for pain or for the change to be forced on us)
Live in a way where we are congruent to our and our organisations values
Action behaviours that will help us move towards our goals and target.
Have better connection and more functional relationships with people at work and home
Here are some of the clear steps we can take to reduce our brain getting in our way of achieving what we want.
Externalise
Externalise your unhelpful thoughts and emotions. Evidence shows that when people do this, those thoughts and emotions have less control over them. When I say externalise, I mean picture they come from a character that is external to them, whether it is the old guys from the Muppets who criticise everything or Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh who can never see the bright side of anything. When we visualise that those negative thoughts and emotions are not part of us, we are less likely to follow them.
A circus troop we interviewed used the character of Kevin to manage their pre performance nerves. They said “We never walk out on stage totally confident. There is always a part of our brain that has fear and doubt. We call that part Kevin. Kevin is the miserable friend that hangs around and tries to put us off our game. But we just realise that is what Kevin does and we don’t pay him much attention.”
Awareness
Start to notice the patterns that your Kevin has.
What does he typically say and under what circumstances?
When you make a mistake what story does he tell you?
When things are going great does he want to obsess about what could possibly go wrong?
Is he overly judgemental of people in your family or of certain co-workers?
This is important as it helps you to understand Kevin more and pre-empt what he is going to say and stops him taking you by surprise.
Accept Kevin, don’t fight him
One thing we have discovered is that everyone has a Kevin. You will never get rid of him; he is like the bad luggage your in-laws gave you for your anniversary. It will follow you everywhere.
For far too long we have been taught that we need to fight those negative thoughts and emotions. We see them as bad, and believe that we can never be successful or happy until we irradicate them from our mind. However, what we are beginning to understand is the more we fight these thoughts and feelings the more they persist. We give them so much attention and energy they get worse. We must treat them with a level of indifference, they will come up but their presence doesn’t mean they are true or that we have to act on them.
“Your thoughts and emotions are data not directives” says Susan David.
Win the moment
Despite the presence of Kevin, focus on the most constructive action you can take. What can you do in that moment that gets the best outcome and is aligned to your values and goals?
How do we become a better leader? Do better behaviours.
How do we become a better team member? Do better behaviours.
We improve our life by taking more constructive action. Stop trying to irradicate all your negative thoughts and emotions. Kevin will always be there. Just don’t let him run the show.
Go for that job promotion even when Kevin says you will embarrass yourself.
Have the hard conversation with that person in your team to clear the air even though Kevin says you will screw it up.
Tell the people you love how much they mean to you, even though Kevin says it will be uncomfortable and you will look silly.
Stop letting Kevin get in the way of the person you want to be.