The importance of embracing struggle in the age of lawnmower parenting
Last year, dozens of wealthy families were accused of participating in a bribery scheme that influenced their childrens’ university admissions. Operation Varsity Blues, as it came to be known, now boasts the scalps of business figures, sports people and Hollywood actors. It is alleged the conspiracy began around 2011. The central conspirator has admitted that upwards of 750 college students were awarded places at prestigious universities as a result.
Among the higher-profile cases was actress Felicity Huffman of Desperate Housewives fame, who was sentenced to 14 days in prison, 250 hours of community service and a fine of $30,000 (USD). A natural impulse many of us may have is to celebrate and even contribute to the public condemnation of these “elite” or “overprivileged” families, but this phenomenon is indicative of a much deeper issue at play in broader society. It might just pay for us to engage in some compassionate self-reflection prior to casting too many stones.
I find it interesting that this conspiracy began in 2011. It happens to be the year the first of Generation Z turned 16, an age when the focus is very much on university and future careers. Although the emergence of a new generation is often accompanied by a litany of criticism and nostalgia for the good ol’ days, there are attributes of this unique generation that cannot go unnoticed.
The internet generation
Psychologist Jean Twenge offers an alternative name for Gen Z – those born between 1996 and 2015 who should not to be mistaken with their millennial elders (born between 1980 and 1995). iGen, an abbreviation of internet generation, is a nod to their status as the first to grow up with internet readily available on devices that fit in their pockets. On-demand access to the internet came with many benefits, such as tech-savviness, communication with distant relatives and access to the world’s trove of information. The side effects, however, have been messy to say the least. Social comparison and harassment are rampant on social media, and their career aspirations are in need of constant review due to the disruption caused by artificial intelligence. Throw in economic uncertainty, stagnant wages, climate change and soaring house prices; and it’s no surprise this generation is constantly at risk of crippling anxiety.
The thing is, Gen Z might’ve evolved into their new world a lot more effectively if it wasn’t for the intervention of us – their well-meaning, helicopter parenting, Gen X parents. After interviewing a number of teachers and principals, my research team and I couldn’t help but identify a common theme. We were continually told that the biggest difference between the parents of today and those of the past is the extraordinary lengths they’ll go to in order to stop their children from feeling any sort of discomfort.
Protecting our kids from discomfort
In truth, we can’t wholly place blame at the feet of any generational cohort. The fragile nature with which we regard our children has progressed in stages over decades. Children of the 1970s and 80s may fondly reminisce on the tough love meted out to them in various forms. They were then followed by the stack hat generation; whose parents grew increasingly concerned with their physical safety. Then came helicopter parenting, which you’ve undoubtedly heard of. They upgraded excessive concern for physical safety by adding excessive concern for emotional safety. The next phenomenon, an educator recently told me, is the lawnmower parent.
Lawnmower parenting refers to the act of proactively smoothing out the path ahead for one’s children. This process involves removing any obstacles, challenges and difficulties faced. This might sound familiar. Concern that her daughter’s low maths scores would jeopardise her ability to later pursue an acting career was Felicity Huffman’s stated reasoning for engaging in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Her daughter was reportedly unaware of this scheme, but her college offer was nevertheless rescinded. Although the criminal case of Huffman and co leans toward the extreme, there are much subtler acts with comparable consequences on our offspring. An example comes to mind of parents phoning teachers to insist their children are placed in the same class as their closest friends, rather than being confronted with the unimaginable horror of meeting new people.
Avoiding discomfort in the real world
While Gen Z continue transitioning from school-age to university-age and into the workforce, we are seeing some parents adopt creative ways of maintaining their lawnmower parenting strategy. University professors and military bootcamp instructors are reporting the emergence and increased prevalence of parental intervention. Concerned parents have gone as far as calling professors to follow up on their child’s progress, dispute a grade, or even threaten legal action if their child’s preferred tutorial slot wasn’t available. The challenge with lawnmower parenting is that it can’t be maintained forever. At some point in a person’s development, they transform from being their parent’s problem to larger society’s problem. We know that life is full of obstacles, challenges and difficulties. Without strategies, problem-solving skills and resilience to cope with failure, how can we expect them to recover from setbacks? The answer is that we can’t. So, if the next generation is entirely unaware of the existence of daily struggles, they’re being set up to fail from the outset.
Exposing Gen Z to struggle is by no means a straightforward process. Nobody wants to be today’s equivalent of the parents who forced their kids to smoke a pack of cigarettes in one sitting to teach a lesson. We also don’t want to be the only parent who snatches their 12th place ribbon, tossing it in the garbage instead of putting it on the fridge door. That’s the very distinction I believe we need to draw: the opposite of lawnmower parenting doesn’t have to involve traumatic or sorrowful struggle. Surely there’s a healthy, growth-facilitating middle ground, right?
Growth-centric struggle
Growth-centric struggle is the discomfort that comes in the face of challenge and is the theme of my recent book, Strive. It is something that you could choose to avoid. It is also something you could choose to shield your children from, but if you face up to that struggle, the experience of overcoming it will lead to significant personal growth. The ten years of research we conducted to inform this book actually showed that the presence of struggle is critical for improved self-esteem and wellbeing. In a world where more and more people perceive growth-centric struggle as a violation of their rights (such as unflattering feedback from a boss, bad school grades or even being encouraged to lead a healthy lifestyle), you can’t help but also to see it as a competitive advantage.
Here are some strategies that we can use to strengthen our relationship with growth-centric struggle in ourselves and our young progenies.
Don’t rescue
Accept the fact that it is natural for us to want to take the discomfort away. However, stop giving into the temptation to rescue people from struggle. When we do this, we are robbing them of the opportunity to be courageous and evolve. If your child isn’t doing well in school, bribing their examiners is not the solution. Obviously if the situation is damaging or dangerous, you intervene. It simply comes down to a matter of moderation.
Support them
Help them have a more functional relationship with struggle by identifying their emotion and validating it. If they are being left out by a group of friends ask them how they feel and validate it. ‘When my friends excluded me I used to feel so sad and isolated, it that how you feel? It is really normal to feel that way,’ or ‘when you are trying something new it is normal to feel confused and frustrated.’ Never judge them. Don’t say ‘Don’t let it bother you, just play with another group of friends,’ or ‘oh it’s not that hard, you just have to try harder, stop mucking around, change your attitude.’
Show them how they are evolving and getting better
Focus on the virtues of their struggle; such as the character traits they are exhibiting (such as bravery, compassion, vulnerability, persistence, etc.), the growth they’ve achieved so far, or highlighting previous situations where they overcame similar challenges and didn’t give up.
Go big picture
Lastly, remember to connect the struggle with their purpose. This could be a goal they want to achieve (getting selected for a sporting team), a level of mastery they want to obtain (learning another language) or some sort of contribution to others (raising money for the RSPCA, sticking up for a kid at school who is being picked on).
As a parent myself, I understand the difficulty in letting your child sit with struggle, but our job is to help them evolve, grow and become a functioning member of society. We stop that from happening every time we rescue them from struggle.