The Blame Game and how to stop playing…
Have you ever noticed that when a group starts to work on change, people initially take it as an opportunity to talk about what others need to change. In the work that I do, particularly around culture, it’s something I notice people do. They complain about their peers and leaders. They say, ‘this person’s bad behaviour has created this situation.’ They go on to say things like ‘well, if that person didn't do that, then this situation wouldn't have occurred.’
What I don't tend to hear in those sorts of interactions is any reflection about their own behaviour. They don’t say things like ‘I could have handled that better’, ‘I could have been more supportive of that person in that moment’, or at the very least ‘I could have misjudged this situation and needed to listen more’. In other words, it's usually a very one-sided perspective with all resolving actions belonging to the other person.
So why is this such a common behaviour? Well, there's a multitude of reasons, one of the biggest is it just feels good. It feels good to be so right and righteous. It also feels good to drag people down socially and thus elevating ourselves. In contrast to this, it doesn't feel good to practise self-awareness in that moment and think about how we contributed to the situation. In fact, that feels downright terrible. What is making this even harder right now is that the world is outraged. Social and mainstream media are full of messages about how someone is bad and how they should be punished or cancelled. It has become a natural impulse to attack and vilify people for behaviours that you deem inappropriate or wrong.
Here's what I've learned about when people do this and blame others:
Number One, it's never that one sided. Very rarely do you come across a situation involving a disagreement between people where one person is to blame. It is usually a combination of poor behaviours that come together to create the situation.
Number Two, this type of response never leads to a functional outcome. When we blame others, we are being self-indulgent and there's nowhere to go after you assassinate their character. Sure, it's fine to vent and talk about the frustration you feel with someone, but it must be followed with some sort of self-reflection (how did you contribute to the situation), empathy (looking to understand where they may be coming from) and the articulation of a constructive behaviour that you will take action on.
Number Three, we look at our behaviour through the lens of what our intent is. In most cases, our intent tends to be good. We're just trying to be efficient; we're just trying to be direct; we're just trying to get the 10,000 tasks we need to do done, and when someone gets upset with our behaviour we think ‘I was just trying to achieve this good thing’.
It makes me think of the time when I was presenting at a conference with a woman from the CIA who had been a spy in various locations around the world. I know - an actual international woman of mystery! The MC interviewed this woman and asked her ‘what's the most surprising thing you've learned about human beings in your work?’. She paused and thought. Then she said in a calm but commanding voice ‘what I have learned is that everyone thinks they are the good guy. The suicide bomber thinks they are correcting the wrongs in the world, the soldier thinks they are restoring order, the rebel thinks they are fighting against a tyrannical dictator’.
Unfortunately, when we look at other people's behaviour, we assume poor intent. ‘They are trying to undermine me, they don't respect me, they're only in it for themselves.’
This is often referred to as “fundamental attribution error” (yep - it's even got a name), where other people’s poor behaviour is due to their character, while our poor behaviour is due to circumstances in our environment.
Because we are so certain about their intent and character, we don't tend to clear it up with that person or ask them questions as to why they behave like that. I mean - what’s the point? In our head we are certain that we know the answer. Same thing happens with leadership decisions. A decision is made and the comms around the decision do not get to us, we then tend to fill that space with a story we create in our head, rather than going to the leadership and ask for clarity around why that decision was made.
When we fall into these unhelpful behaviours it has a significant impact on our workplace culture. It's where turf battles start. Where we start to resent different areas of the business, which creates silos, poor communication and ultimately a breakdown in the culture of the whole organisation.
To improve the culture of our team and organisation when you have moments of discord, frustration or conflict, start practising the following steps:
Self-Awareness - consider the role you played in that situation. Did you jump to conclusions in your head? Did you carry stuff from the past into that interaction? Or did you just have a bad day?
Practice Empathy (yeah, I know this can be hard with someone you are mad at). Put yourself in their shoes, are they feeling overwhelmed or targeted or criticised? Are they getting pressure from their manager?
At this stage, feel free to vent and discuss it with someone else, but ensure it doesn’t just turn into a roasting session. You must come out of that situation with some sort of constructive action. Either you're going to let the interaction go through to the keeper and not hold a grudge, or you are going to have a conversation with that person to resolve the situation. Recently, I interviewed a corporate lawyer - Jennifer Bicknell, she said ‘I've never come across a legal situation in the workplace that couldn't have been solved with an early proactive conversation to clear things up’.
The final thing I want to say is enter that conversation gently. Saying things like ‘in that meeting the other day, when you made that comment about my team, what was your intention?’. ‘Look, I know your intention was good, however some people in the team took offence to that comment, can we discuss how we can resolve that?’. Or ‘after that interaction in the meeting, the story I created in my head was that you were suggesting our division was letting down the company. Have I got that right or have I misinterpreted that?’. Or ‘I just wanted to check in with you because you seemed really frustrated in that meeting, is everything alright and what can I do to help?’.
These four steps sound simple on paper, but the sad reality is I rarely see them. Instead, people take offence and turn inward searching for bad intent and then express it externally to their peers, friends and family. These four steps require us to be a highly evolved version of ourselves and while they take effort and self-control, they dramatically improve our world and the culture in which we work.